365 days of aRt. DAY ONE HUNDRED & EIGHTY-ONE.

be the balance in the crossfire of conflicting times. 

(canvas text)

Blog and song submitted by guest blogger, Emily Irene Bedal:
https://soundcloud.com/emilybedal/safe-in-my-arms-again-1

safe in my arms again

breaking in now, like a murderer
straight from the woods, how no one has heard of her
soft, like the under-belly of her coat
and all the hard hat men stare straight from the balcony of steel cages down at the ground beneath
tiny torn bodies trying to keep a firm foot on the boat
and I pound the pavement with a knot in my jaw
this was the one monster that no one saw coming
cling to your child ma
cause there ain't no running away
sound the cymbals and ring the alarm
silence the world
until you're safe in my arms again
sweet jesus my heart strings about to go break
break break break
breaking in now, like a murderer
straight from her bible, truth came in and burned her
tough like the tempest surging through her veins
and the hard hat men stare straight from the
balcony of cruel intentions and love they're feigning to meet tiny torn bodies trying to keep up with the stories they're told
and I pound the pavement with a knot in my jaw
this was the one monster that no one saw coming
cling to your child mother, cause there ain't no running away
sound the sinners, pining their charm
silence the world
you're safe in my arms again
sweet jesus my heart string's about to go break
break break break
put her down now, creature have you heard of her
straight from the sun, wind, sand don't be a murderer
straight from the woods and now she's coming
home to me
straight from the jaws of a first class citizen of broken limbed
branched out times that we're living in
cold like the chill i've found in my bones
babe you've been running fast as you can
from the blood in your veins, from the
fooling fine face of a man
never gonna know when it rains
so mercy put her now, creature have you heard of her
straight from the sun , wind sand don't be a murderer
straight from the woods and now she's coming
home to me
straight from the jaws of a first class citizen of broken limbed
branched out times that we're living in
she was cold like the chill i've found in my bones

this song was written in response to the first somatic flashbacks i experienced this year uncovering sexual abuse in my past. it is a terrible, gut wrenching, taboo subject that causes incredible pain and separation amongst families. disbelief, false accusation, and the need to DENY the truth. to be a survivor feels devastating at times, because i know my life will never be the same, armed with this knowledge. to face the facts with courage, to stand strong in my bodily convictions, and ultimately, to seek and believe in my own healing is the ultimate journey to be on. to truly embody being "the balance in the crossfire of conflicting times" is my holy teacher. there are days i wake up and want to forget. that i run the opposite direction of healing. straight into food, or lack thereof, straight into shutting out the rest of the world, straight into alcohol, or whatever is available, whatever checks me "out". but the first steps of courage i take into facing my bodily reality are the moments when i find courage to keep going. to not abandon myself, to not abandon that little girl who feels utterly identity-less, but to seek a new and more integrated, multi-dimensional identity. this is the song for me. this is the process of reclamation and processing hurt, and ultimately coming to peace with it. the imagery that came to mind when this song was written, was a beautiful, innocent little girl making her way out of the woods. out of nature, out of untouched and perfect beauty--basically out of the innocence we are all born with. the song proceeds to paint a picture of men staring at the little girl with malintention, and then the chorus reveals my own voice now as the one who has been made aware. who has been let it on a secret-- my own secret. spoken from my own perspective. seeing the little girl emerge again, confused, shut down and trapped, and telling her to come back into my arms. that she is safe here-- and a message to all people-- our bodies are our own. we are precious beings not to be messed with. keep your love close, safe and warm, and when you need to, which is always, "be the balance in the crossfire of conflicting times." do not fear the adversity, sing into it.